Friday, August 1, 2008

Sometimes I wonder...

This post is going to be a bit "diary-like", so feel free to skip if you like.

Sometimes I wonder if I've taken on too much. A few months ago, I said I'd soon have my own storefront in addition to my Etsy and Blujay stores. Well, obviously that hasn't happened yet. I bought the domain name, but it still points to my Etsy store. I've also been having trouble keeping up with this blog, which I SWORE to myself that I wouldn't ever abandon.

In no particular order, here are some of the many worries vying for my attention:

* All of my prescriptions went on strike and stopped working at the same time, prompting many doctor visits to switch/re dose/reevaluate everything.

* My day job is in major financial trouble thanks to our governor, and we are scrambling to find ways to keep from being laid off.

* Family goings-on present us with the possibility of needing to move very soon, but affordable/appropriate housing seems to be nowhere to be found.

* I am constantly using system restore on my new laptop, because it inexplicably keeps forgetting I have any other drives besides C.

* Inventorying my supplies and products is insanely more involved than I ever thought it would be.

* I am feeling an urgent need to scour the web any chance I get for money-saving tips of any kind to help pull us out of the livid red.

* I'm having all kinds of trouble with a certain vendor at my day job, and the problems I need to contact them about keep mounting, making it very hard to keep my cool.

* ...

Ok, I'm gonna stop listing these things for now, as it's stressing me out to think of it all.

In reality, I'm sure things aren't as bad as I'm making them out to be, but there are certain feelings I just can't shake. I can't help but feel responsible when something is remotely not the way it's supposed to be, then I can't help but beat myself up for not doing enough to make things right. I beat myself up because, in my mind, someone has to. Someone needs to be reprimanded for things not being the way they are supposed to be.

Somewhere there is a sliver of sanity that knows these feelings are ridiculous and unnecessary. When I recognize that sliver of sanity, I desperately try to shut off my brain and call upon my alter ego, Betani, to take over and steer me toward reason.

Don't worry folks, I don't have Multiple Personality Disorder or anything. There is a small part of my brain that is able to disassociate from the baggage of my fears and reservations and actually get things done. This part of my personality is so different from my natural state that I decided to call it my alter ego and give it a name. That's why I named my store after her. Without Betani, I never would have started my crafting business. She is the one who picks up the receiver whenever I need to make a phone call. (Yes, I'm that shy.) She's also egging me on to write this post and expose my vulnerabilities. I am sure that she will be the one to click the publish button, too.

At any rate, I guess what I'm saying is, it's gonna be quite some time before I can finally think about my own website. I will do my utmost to keep up here, despite not really knowing if anyone really reads this. If you don't see me update for a while, go ahead and leave a comment asking where I am. I thrive on feedback, and if I know people are out there and visit this blog, I will be much more encouraged to keep up with things.

If you've gotten this far, thank you so much for letting me sound off. It means a great deal to me to know there are people out there who care.

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